I am learning to listen. To listen to my body. To listen to its true needs. Learning to recognise when the ego is trying to influence me. Its attention seeking. Its childishness. Its defiance. Its wanting everything, now.
I did not manage today. Actually also not yesterday. Also not the day before and the day before that. I ate all the chocolate I had. And I keep purchasing more. Even though I have been feeling physically unwell because of my recent eating habits. Every morning I pass the supermarket on my way to work. I know I will “need” it in the office even if I don’t actually fancy any chocolate upon entering the store. It’s like I am on auto-pilot, putting square after square into my mouth. Not even enjoying or stopping to taste the sweetness – just consuming. As if this was the all and ultimate purpose.
It’s the same with the days that go by. Like a machine, unable to stop for a moment; unable to feel; unable to enjoy. The days just pass by until the evening and ultimately the weekend arrives. All of a sudden the enjoyment is paramount and needed tasks are put off or seen as a waste of time as they are not part of the living in the now. And yet, even throughout the evening & weekend, there is this feeling of waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the “perfect” moment to finally start reading the book that has been on my mind for weeks. The “perfect” moment to get back into the practice of meditation. The “perfect” moment to fill my diary. There is no such perfect moment. Not now, not in the future. Until I create it myself. But it is not just about that. It is about feeling caught and restrained. By the daily routine, by the flat, by the local city. A weekend away seems the perfect “solution” to a problem that is actually probably non-existent and just created by my personal outlook. And even though peace, calm and nature would seem perfect, it is a visit to a city that is calling me. Just me. I see myself sitting in a café with an eye-pleasing interior, delicious drinks, writing away. Soaking in the fresh air filled with new thoughts, ideas and inspiration.
I wrote all this before the weekend last week. Interestingly enough, I managed to break out of the “waiting”, even without going away. I did not feel positive at all on Friday evening. It seemed like it did not matter that the weekend had just started. On Saturday morning the feeling persisted. Like a withered flower, my shoulders and back hunched, I was blind to the sun and the blue sky.
And then, the miracle occurred: I found my alignment again. Sitting on the balcony reading books on self-development and writing in my dairy helped me find my centre again. The new perspective and view into the distance provided just the perfect combination. What an impact such a simple activity can have on the mental state. Sunday night I even sat outside when it was already dark and did an oracle and tarot card reading among lit candles (a weekly ritual that I had established a few months ago, which especially helps when I am feeling low on a Sunday). I felt deeply grateful being able to just breathe in the pleasant summer evening temperature and see the stars in the sky.
And yet, here I am again today, having done my usual supermarket purchase in the morning on the way to work. Physically I am not feeling too well, but it is still manageable. What am I waiting for? Some sort of a breakdown in order to wake up? It’s like there is a switch somewhere within me that I cannot find, or seemingly don’t want to find. After all it is just so much easier to keep going as before, but who am I to “disclose” the fact that change is difficult :). So how do I not only listen, but also act on the messages my body keeps transmitting before it decides to “whack” me over the head as I keep ignoring it? That, my dear friends, I am still trying to work out. I guess it all starts with learning to truly listen and to think about what my health and wellbeing actually means to me. I will start. I really will. Tomorrow.