I love it. I need it. I thrive of it.
Having a whole day to myself, getting up in the morning as and when I want to. Starting into the day the way I feel like. Deciding where to go, what to do…Mostly such a day consists of café-hopping, browsing in some small shops and writing. These activities fill my heart with joy and show the unlimited possibilities life has to offer.
At the same time there is a fine line between this enjoyment and the sudden fear of being alone with my thoughts. Usually this occurs in the evenings, when I am by myself in the flat. I am struggling to keep the TV switched off and instead of working on my personal development as I had set out to do, I am just sat on the sofa without being able to move. Of course there are times when this can be enjoyable, relaxing and indeed energising. I am however talking about the times that leave me feeling guilty, empty and just utterly exhausted. I have wasted my free time and not gained anything positive out of it.
Now what is this fear? It has something to do with loneliness and is usually accompanied by a feeling of emptiness. A feeling of something lacking and not knowing what it is. Sometimes I resort to listening to music and end up just constantly switching from one song to the next, searching for that something I am unable to find. At other times I turn to comfort eating. Of course I am not going to find the answer there either, just more guilt and even less purpose. This fear also makes me believe that I am unable to deal with the thoughts that I may encounter when I find myself alone. So I am convinced that I need company. The TV fills that space and at the same time distracts me from my own life and the projects I set out to do.
The best solution I have found is to leave the living room and move to the dining room. I can sit at the table and work on my blog for example. Or I can read a book whilst also enjoying a good cup of tea. And if it is warm and dry outside there is always the option of the balcony. Looking into the distance and breathing the fresh air opens up completely new horizons and possibilities.
I am getting better at recognising those situations. It is a process and I believe that one day I will be able to get to the bottom of this. To the bottom of this fear. Face it. Experience all it has to show. Realise that I can handle much more than I ever thought. And then find peace again. Once and for all.
Now that is something to look forward to, isn’t it?