Sometimes I feel like I am walking around with my eyes closed and my ears shut off. It is so easy to just ignore certain facts about ourselves or the way we lead our lives, let alone believe that we can change something. Since I have started looking within myself and analysing my behaviour and feelings, I am much more aware of my thoughts and reactions. I have identified triggers and noticed behaviors that I wish to change in the future.
I realised that anger is something I need to look into more closely. What does anger mean to me? Somehow it creates fear when I witness it. At times I feel personally affected and feel like it is directed towards me, even when this is not the case. At other times I cannot understand how someone can just let themselves go like that. I myself have experienced it a few times, being overwhelmed by it all of a sudden and it just bursting out uncontrollably. It scared me, and indeed made me feel embarrassed. Like I was not myself and definitely not in control. Does this mean that I should allow this feeling to arise more often to prevent it from building up and exploding uncontrollably like that? Is it something I never allowed myself to feel? Was that part of an expected certain behaviour on my part? Maybe it is a feeling I am constantly suppressing. Not allowing it to surface. And it is making its way through my body, showing up in aches and pains, occasionally bursting out as described above.
“Standing up for oneself”
I have tears in my eyes as I read this in a book. I guess this is something I have rarely done throughout my life. This has started to change recently. I have been more aware of the ego’s voice and have been standing up for my own needs and beliefs. The worry of judgement from others is still hovering over me, but nevertheless I am making changes and creating space for “me” on this planet. For example, before going away for a weekend with some of my friends, I listened to my inner voice, spoke up and in the end booked my own hotel room as I knew that having some space to myself would make me feel more relaxed. I knew it was the “right” thing to do for me and still I was afraid and felt like I needed to justify and explain. But my friends were absolutely fine with it. The fear was all in my head. Making me believe and worry that I did not deserve to ask for what I felt was the right decision for me.
How can I expect to be receiving care and being taken care of, if I am denying myself the self-care I earn for? It all starts with putting myself first and by that I don’t mean being selfish in the usual sense of the word, but rather making space for time to reflect, to slow down, to enjoy a good meal or to just do n-o-t-h-i-n-g. First and foremost it is myself who is responsible for my well-being. I am the one who has the deepest and strongest connection to my needs and it is my duty to speak up and ask for it. I cannot expect to automatically receive it from others. If I always depend on others to take care of me, to tell me when to take a break, when to go and just get some me-time, there is a great danger of never living my own life and simply burning out.
It all comes down to a shift of perspective, of thought. Realising what needs to be viewed differently, what has to be changed, is already a huge step in itself, provoking change within us. And then, all we need, is to take a deep breath and to start walking the road of change. One step at a time.